random, lazy « there’s a new monarchy in town

Yesterday was bad.

Leave work at lunch, chest pain and burning eyes bad. Getting another letter from the genetic specialist explaining that absolutely nothing new was discovered in the latest round of tests did not help.

Not having her post mortem report, still, seven months later does not help.

Not having her, period. This really does not help at all.

.::.

Today I woke up early, worked hard enough that the day flew by, spent another 40 minutes on the elliptical machine at the gym. Either I was meant to spend life in a rotund fashion or someone’s feeding me chocolate in my sleep, but damn it all to hell I can’t seem to change my tired old body.

But those endorphins helped a titch, I’ll admit.

.::.

We booked flights for Christmas last week. First holiday at home in two years. One week in the bitter and beautiful north, one in the warm and foreign south. I feel neither here nor there about either, truth be told. I want to, and I’m sure I will. But it hasn’t kicked in yet.

.::.

I think it’s time to go back to the whole couch/talking things out routine. I feel like I’m moving backward this week and I wonder if maybe that’s normal.

I’ll bet a million pennies that no one can tell me either way.

12 comments

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November 5, 2008 at 3:31 am

Thursday

I’ll bet a million pennies that whatever you’re feeling or are doing is perfectly normal.

November 5, 2008 at 6:08 am

Mya

Toe after toe… on and off the treadmill. Think of you and Sadie every day!

November 5, 2008 at 6:20 am

Nancy

Thinking of you. Sometimes one step forward, two steps back just happens.

November 5, 2008 at 7:43 pm

allison

I am so sorry – but I too think this is normal. I think of you , Stuart and Sadie often and still cry. The bad days will happen – you just have to remain open to recognize the good ones. love you both

November 5, 2008 at 8:00 pm

Amber

Hey lady, one step forward, one step back…sounds like the mambo to me. Keep dancing, girlfriend, and you’ll find normal.

November 5, 2008 at 8:38 pm

Michelle

I’ve lost too, a fiance, not a child, so very different. But in the spirit of wanting to reach out, I can tell you in my experience this forward, backward rhythm is normal. Everybody’s landscape is different, and navigating this horrible journey will be your own task, but I just wanted to let you know that, on some teeny tiny, compeletly irrelevent scale, I know. And there are many treading right along with you.

November 6, 2008 at 12:38 am

Emma

It seems to me like the worst thing ever happened and so everything that comes after should be made easier somehow, everything else should be correct and accounted for and cause no stress to you – nothing should NOT help. That doesn’t seem fair. But none of it is fair. Definition of the most unfair thing ever. Christ, this comment is unhelpful, isn’t it?

November 7, 2008 at 4:17 am

Niki P

Do what you need to do to be. No one can tell you what is normal for you but you. I don’t know you but my hearts breaks for you and your loss. I have nothing that remotely compares. I am sorry.

November 15, 2008 at 6:43 am

Patricia "Rish"

Love You!

November 17, 2008 at 4:19 am

Kaye

Here from GITW. Your writing is just so raw and honest and absolutely beautiful.

We lost our daughter about 10 months ago, and I wrote in my journal on the 8-month anniversary that the previous month had been my worst to date. I’m still not sure why exactly, but damn were the days excruciating.

There is no normal, but I sure can empathize with where you are at.

Thinking of you.

November 17, 2008 at 7:28 pm

Tricia