isn’t the right thing usually the hardest? « there’s a new monarchy in town

We have our return flights booked to England on Sunday, arriving in London at 6:30am Monday.

A huge part of me is dreading going back. Knowing I’ll likely be spending my 31st birthday, what would have been her 3 month old birthday, organizing and storing all of her things. Tucking them out of sight as though it might make the pain lessen not to see them as handily. I know we have to do it, no matter how difficult. It’s the right thing to do. If only I could pack the razor sharp knot of heartbreak that sits in the pit of my stomach away with them. But that would require her still being here, wouldn’t it.

We have been surrounded by doting friends and family here. Generous people offering a bed to sleep on, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. A comforting distraction that has helped me personally so tremendously that it’s impossible to accurately describe. I have felt safe here. Like being wrapped in an invisible warm hug; one that it’s going to kill me to pull away from.

I know life must go on. I also know that I don’t necessarily have to be happy about that just yet. Simply put, I will never be the same person again.

8 comments

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May 15, 2008 at 10:43 pm

EWiller

I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive, but you should do something completely indulgent on your birthday. Honour Sadie, that she would have been 3 months old, but leave the organizing to another day. Spoil yourself/ves - you deserve it, more than anyone.

Safe flight.

May 16, 2008 at 12:53 am

boxingoctopus

Of course you won’t be the same person. You’re forever changed. It’s a change no mother should ever have to go through, ever. Keep writing. We’re listening.

May 16, 2008 at 12:54 am

Connie

Other than your last moments with her, this will be the next hardest thing you will have to face. It will feel like a confirmation of your loss and pain. However, it is understood that doing this part from a loss of a child can help with your healing process. As painful as it can be. I had two friends that lost their babies and how they handled packing away their child’s things were completely different, but they did what they knew was right for them. One wanted to painfully pack and put away everything herself. My other friend could not. Rather, she took the time to be alone with her child’s possessions, cried, and took some items that she would like to keep with her always. Then she had family come in and pack everything away- for she wanted to always remember the way it was and not have the memory of putting things away for the way it had to be.

I know this is going to be hard for you. You do what you feel is right for this moment in your life. It is not expected for you to be the person you were right now or to fully accept that life must go on. Grieving for her what you have to do right now. Just take it one day at a time.

You are in so many people’s thoughts and hearts. Please continue to keep us informed how you are doing.

May 18, 2008 at 12:53 am

Lauren

I wanted to stop by and say that I was thinking of you today and that I will be sending all my good thoughts, vibes, wishes and prayers your way on Sunday.

May 19, 2008 at 7:55 am

christina

You won’t be, but you will become someone new that you will grow to love–it may take years, but it will happen. I wish I had any other words that could possibly comfort you.

May 20, 2008 at 8:14 am

tinafrench