When I read about just how few babies are affected with what Sadie had, I want to tear my eyes out. I have also read that parents can’t help but blame themselves when they lose a child, no matter how impossible that may be. I do know now, I’m forced by fact and medical evidence to admit that nothing we could have done would have saved her precious little heart. No matter how ferociously I wanted to protect her.
My arms ache daily, by the minute, to have her in them.
Stu continues to tell me, “We couldn’t possibly have loved her more, Jenny. You couldn’t have loved her more than you did.” And I know he’s right. I loved her, and continue to love her, with every cell and fiber of my being. My own heart feels so thoroughly damaged some days that I secretly wonder if it will ever be whole again. But as each hour passes and I somehow magically survive it, I think it may actually be her that’s keeping it together still. Sadie is still with us, and her love keeps me going. I have to believe that. For her and thanks to her, I will choose to believe that.
8 comments
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May 13, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Groovymommy
She will *always* be with you. May it bring you comfort that words can’t provide.
May 13, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Connie
Because of Sadie, you experienced a love of which you have never known. Many don’t know how deeply we can love can until we have a child. I read that a child knows how you feel about them by the way you handle them. Kissing, hugging and loving words they truly understand. Sadie knew how deeply she was loved and she loved you back. She will always be with you and watching over you. You are in my thoughts.
May 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Steph
She will always be with you - in your heart, thoughts, memories, you’ll feel her in the breeze. She knows how much she was loved.
May 13, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Jenn
Jenny, I am keeping you in my prayers. Sadie was blessed to be so loved. I wish I had words that could offer comfort. Just know that there are a lot of people thinking and praying for you. Big hug. -J
May 14, 2008 at 1:40 am
Beth
Sadie will always be with you. Very much alive in your heart. You have and will continue to be in mine.
May 15, 2008 at 5:51 am
dagmara
She is beautiful, smart and funny. and she is very loved. she showed you how much you could love and love again.
What you are feeling is normal, you wouldn’t be a great mom if you didn’t hurt. You’re pain is a result of your love, and you love her deepy, so you hurt deeply.
Keep writing Jen. This is a step towards not hurting so much. We’re listening.
May 15, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Sarina
Hi Jen, I have also heard that bereaved parents feel guilt no matter how their children died, even when the parents certainly have no reason to feel they are to blame. I had survivor guilt. No parent should outlive their child, it is against the natural order of life. Beyond the deep sadness and longing for our children is a feeling that this is deeply wrong, it’s all a mistake, and the world doesn’t make any sense any more. There are many bereaved parents who live with you in this world, you are not alone, we grieve with you, and we are carving out our paths to peace with you, one step at a time.
May 29, 2008 at 6:41 am
Claudia
PEACE BE WITH YOU! You will find PEACE once again, please allow some time for some healing. But you will find it again…
A stranger from the other side of the ocean…