I have such trouble sleeping now, once all of the day’s noise and distractions are gone and I’m left to my own devices. I can’t fall off into slumber within minutes, or deep breathe my way to dreams. What I do is lay in the darkness and think. And think some more. And before I know it all I want to do is sob, or rip away the part of my memory that haunts me. The last moments with Sadie pervade every other beautiful thing I try to remember about her. I suppose this is grief? What I do know is that up until now I’ve been utterly naive about just how much horrifying pain one person can hold inside.

.::.

“Cardiomyopathy is a chronic and sometimes progressive disease in which the heart muscle (myocardium), is abnormally enlarged, thickened and/or stiffened. The condition typically begins in the walls of the heart’s lower chambers (ventricles), and in more severe cases also affects the walls of the upper chambers (atria). The actual muscle cells as well as the surrounding tissues of the heart become damaged. Eventually, the weakened heart loses the ability to pump blood effectively and heart failure or irregular heartbeats (arrhythmias or dysrhythmia) may occur.”

“Cardiomyopathy is nondiscriminatory in that it can affect any adult or child at any stage of their life. It is not gender, geographic, race or age specific. It is a particularly rare disease when diagnosed in infants and young children.”

We were the goddamn needle in a haystack.